1. Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Student: “Meat!”
Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pig give you?”
Student: “Bacon!”
Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
Student: “Homework!”
2. Q: What does a nosey pepper do?
A: Gets jalapeno business!
3. Q: What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.
4. Police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is broken, your tires must be exchanged and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 dollars.
Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the garage.
5. Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?
Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?
Interviewer: Brown one.
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer: And the black one?
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?
Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?
Interviewer: Black.
Farmer: It eats grass.
Interviewer: And the other one?
Farmer: Grass.
Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!
Farmer: Because the black one’s mine.
Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?
Farmer: It’s also mine
6. A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says, “Hey, you’re a handsome fellow.”
The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer.
The bowl of pretzels then says, “Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You’re a smart man.”
Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender, “Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!”
The bartender replies, “Don’t worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary.”
7. My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
8. Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An Impasta
9. Q: You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?
A: Because they’re really good at it.
10. Q. Why do the French like to eat snails so much?
A. They can’t stand fast food.
11. “In preparation for my sermon next week, I want you all to read Mark chapter 17. You are dismissed.” So next week everybody comes back to church. After singing a few hymns, the pastor comes to the pulpit.
“How many read Mark chapter 17 like I said last week?” Everyone raised their hand. The pastor says “and it’s a great chapter, amen??” There are shouts of “amen!” from the congregation. Then the pastor smirks.
“Well, Mark only has 16 chapters. I will now begin my sermon on the terrible sin of lying.”
12. Son: “Mom, Dad… I’m gay.”
Mom: Stares at Dad.
Dad: Clenches fist.
Mom: “Don’t!”
Dad: Sweats Profusely.
Mom: “…”
Dad: “HI GAY, I’M DAD.”
13. Interviewer: “I heard you are extremely quick at math.”
Me: “Why yes, as a matter of fact, I am.”
Interviewer: “Whats 14×27?”
Me: “49.”
Interviewer: “That’s not even close.”
Me: “Yeah, but it was fast.”
14. Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
15. Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An Investigator
16. Q: Why dont blind people skydive?
A: Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.
17. The waitress says, “Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl.”
He looks over and sees that the guy’s finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, “Are you going to eat that chili?”
The other guy says, “No. Help yourself.”
He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, “Yeah, that’s about as far as I got, too.”
18. A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day.
“In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room retorted, “Yeah, right.”
19. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya?”
The guy says, “No, I’m from Canada.”
“Canada,” the bartender says, “what do you do in Canada?”
The guy says, “I’m a taxidermist.”
The bartender says, “A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?”
“No,” says the Canadian “I don’t drive a taxi, I mount animals.”
The bartender grins and hollers, “It’s okay boys. He’s one of us.”
20. My boss pulled up to work with his sweet new sports car this morning and I complimented him on it.
He stepped out of his car, put his hand on my shoulder and replied, “Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year.”
21. Q: Why was six scared of seven?
A: Because seven “ate” nine.
22. Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
A: Every morning you’ll rise and shine!
23. Q: What does a pepper do when it’s angry?
A: It gets jalapeño face!
24. Husband: “Oh the weather is lovely today. Shall we go out for a quick jog?“
Wife: “Hahaha, I love the way you pronounce ‘Shall we go out and have a cake’!”
25. A girl asks a boy: “Peter, how much do you love me?”
The boy looks her in the eyes, “Look up at the stars, that’s how much I love you.”
The girl is confused, “But it’s morning, there are no stars?”
Boy nods, “Exactly!”
26. She: I have a doctor’s appointment today but I really don’t want to go…
He: Just call in sick then.
27. Jesus walks into a restaurant and says to the hostess, “A table for 26 please.”
Confused, the hostess does a quick head count, and says “But there are only 13 of you.”
Jesus replies, “Yes, but we are all going to sit on the same side.”
Once seated, the waitress asks the table, “Would anyone like to see a wine list?”
Jesus replied, “Water’s fine, thanks.”
28. A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home.
“Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90. Please be careful!”
Herman replied, “It’s not just one car. There’s hundreds of them!”
29. A teacher asked her students to use the word “beans” in a sentence. “My father grows beans,” said one girl. “My mother cooks beans,” said a boy. A third student spoke up, “We are all human beans.”
30. Q: “What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?”
A: “You can’t tuna fish.”
