1. Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.
2. At the mall, my five-year-old grandson joined the other children in line waiting to sit on the Easter Bunny’s lap. When it was his turn, Jake didn’t move; he just stared.
“Don’t you want to sit on the
bunny’s lap?” I asked.
“No!” he shouted. “There’s
a man in his mouth!”
3. One Christmas, my grandfather gave me a box of broken glass. He gave my brother a box of Band-Aids and said, “You two share.”
4. Pedro: What does Santa say at the start of a race?
Pee Wee: I don’t know.
Pedro: “Ready, set, Ho! Ho! Ho!”
5. Q: What is a cow’s favorite day?
A: Moo-years Day!
6. Q. What do Santa’s elves learn in school?
A. The Elfabet.
7. Q: Why did the witches’ team lose the baseball game?
A: Their bats flew away.
8. My sister-in-law was teaching Sunday school class. The topic for the day: Easter Sunday and the
resurrection of Christ.
“What did Jesus do on this day?” she asked. There was no response, so she gave her students a hint: “It starts with the letter R.”
One boy blurted, “Recycle!”
9. Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.
10. Sean: Knock, knock.
Fawn: Who’s there?
Sean: Murray.
Fawn: Murray who?
Sean: Murray Christmas, one and all!
11. Q: What do you get a man who has everything for his birthday?
A: A burglar alarm!
12. Q. What does Santa like to do in the garden?
A. Hoe, hoe, hoe!
13. A little kids sends a letter to Santa that says: “Dear Santa I want a brother for Christmas.” Santa writes back, “Dear Timmy send me me your mommy.”
14. For Martin Luther King Day, I asked my fifth graders how they’d make the world a better place. One said, “I’d make potato skins a main dish rather than an appetizer.”
15. I once bought my kid a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying “Toys not included.”
16. Q: What do you get when you plant kisses?
A: Two lips
17. Q: What do Santa’s elves drive?
A: Minivans.
18. Q: What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?
A: Santa stops after three hos.
19. Mary goes to the post office to buy 50 stamps for her Hanukkah cards. “What denomination?” asks the postal clerk.
Mary thinks a second before replying, “Give me six Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.”
20. Four-year-old to her two-year-old sister: “Let’s play Christmas. I’ll be Santa Claus and you can be a present and I’ll give you away.”
—Contributed by Mrs. Kenneth Labaugh
21. Will: What’s a good time for Santa to come down the chimney?
Bill: What?
Will: Anytime!
22. Q: What did the light bulb say to her man on Valentine’s Day?
A: I wuv you watts and watts.
23. Q: What breakfast cereal does Frosty the Snowman eat?
A: Snowflakes.
24. Q: Can February march?
A: No, but April may.
25. I don’t know that there are real ghosts and goblins, but there are always more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood kids
26. Scene: A man applying for credit
at a department store.
Clerk: What do you do for a living?
Man: I’m a tree trimmer.
Clerk: What do you do after Christmas?
27. Will: Where do snowmen keep their money?
Bill: Beats me.
Will: In a snow bank.
28. Q: How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
A: Lots of eggercise!
29. Q: What do you call a cat sitting on the beach on Christmas Eve?
A: Sandy Claws
30. Mother: “Sweetie, make a Christmas wish.”
Girl: “I wish that Santa will send some clothes to those naked girls in papa’s computer.”
31. A friend knew that she’d overdone it with the gifts and candy last Easter when her six-year-old woke up to all the booty and shouted, “This is the best Christmas ever!”
32. Q: Why are Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen always wet?
A: Because they are rain deer.
33. Tim: Did you know Santa had only eight reindeer last Christmas?
Jim: Huh?
Tim: Comet stayed home to clean the sink.
34. Q: What was the most popular dance in 1776?
A: Indepen-dance!
35. Q: Where does the snowman hide his money?
A: In the snow bank.
36. Q: What is the difference between a black man and Santa?
A: Santa stops after the third Ho.
37. I used to love the candy Nerds, but I stopped eating them when I realized that for me, it was basically cannibalism.
38. Q: Why does Santa have three garden plots up at the North Pole?
A: That way he can hoe, hoe, hoe!
39. Chris: What do snowmen like to do on the weekend?
Chrissy: What?
Chris: Chill out.
40. Q: What do you call a fake stone in Ireland?
A: A sham rock
41. Q: Why are ghosts bad liars?
A: You can see right through them.
42. People always ask kids the same stupid questions. “What are you supposed to be?”
I’m supposed to be done by now. You wanna move it along with the 3 Musketeers?
43. Q: Who delivers Christmas presents to good little sharks when they’re sleeping?
A: Santa Jaws!
44. Josh: What does Jack Frost like best about school?
John: What?
Josh: Snow and tell.
45. Q: Knock Knock, Who’s there? Irish. Irish Who?
A: Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!
46. Q: Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?
A: It needed to be trimmed.
47. Q: What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
A: Spare ribs!
48. Scene: A man applying for credit
at a department store.
Clerk: What do you do for a living?
Man: I’m a tree trimmer.
Clerk: What do you do after Christmas?
49. Q: What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad?
A: A pineapple.
50. Zoey: What do you get if you cross an iPad with a Christmas tree?
Johnny: I don’t know. What?
Zoey: A pineapple!