1. Q: What’s the difference between Al Gore and a slab of formica?
A: Absolutely nothing.
2. Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are on the same plane. The plane crashes. Who survives?
America.
3. Bill Clinton is no longer playing the saxophone. He is now playing the whore-Monica.
4. The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree…and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
–Jay Leno
5. It’s a real shame that Barrack Obama recently had to give a speech stood behind bullet proof glass. Just because he’s black doesn’t mean he’s gonna shoot anybody.
6. Q: What did Osama Bin Laden’s ghost say to Mitt Romney?
A: Don’t be sad, Obama’s foreign policy killed me too.
7. Q: Why is Al Gore so commited to protecting the environment?
A: On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, the next day Al Gore was born….draw your own conclusion.
8. I once meet a honest, caring, politician that listened when I spoke and tried to help the country.
Then I woke up.
9. It was so cold today, a Democrat had his hands in his own pockets!
10. America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
–Jay Leno
11. This year has seen the coldest winter since records began for countries in the northern hemisphere. It’s been so cold that numerous politicians have actually been seen with their hands in their own pockets.
12. Q: Did you hear about the new Obama Diet?
A: You let Putin eat your lunch every day.
13. Q: Did You hear about the Nobel Peace Prize won by Al Gore?
A: In a stunning reversal, the Supreme Court awarded it to George Bush.
14. Have you heard of the new Obama happy meal at Mcdonalds?
It comes with a promise that you’ll get a toy someday.
15. What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician? Chelsea Clinton.
16. Q. Have you heard about McDonald’s’ new Obama Value Meal?
A. Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
–Conan O’Brien
17. Q. What’s the difference between a flying pig and a politician?
A. The letter F.
18. Q: How is Barack Obama going to get Republicans to cross party lines and support health care reform?
A: By giving their mistresses free breast implants!
19. Q: Why was Al Gore the best vice president we have ever had?
A: He replaced a guy who couldn’t spell ‘potato’ and was followed by a guy who shot someone in the face.
20. Your mama’s so fat the government forced her to wear tailights and blinkers so no one else would get hurt.
21. The recession is getting so bad, the bank sent me a new type of credit card. It was pre-declined.
22. Q. What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A. A fund raiser.
–Jay Leno
23. Did you know that a group of baboons is called a congress…
Well that explain it all now doesn’t it
24. Q: Will health care be different under Barack Obama’s new reforms?
A: No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then!
25. Q: How fat has Al Gore gotten since his presidential run? A: So fat that Bill Clinton is thinking of hitting on him!
26. Q: What is the difference between Election day and Thanksgiving day?
A: On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day; on Election day, you get a turkey for four years.
27. Congress does some strange things. They put a high tax on liquor and then raises the other taxes that drive people to drink.
28. Q. What’s the difference between Obama’s cabinet and a penitentiary?
A. One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.
–David Letterman
29. The health service in this country is a disgrace. My doctor told me to run 3 miles a day for a month. I’m now completely lost and 90 miles away from home.
30. Q: Under Obama’s health care plan can you get coverage for preexisting conditions?
A: Certainly, as long as they don’t require any treatment!
31. Q: How does Al Gore get to sleep?
A: He counts ballot papers
32. Q: Did you hear that the White House isn’t displaying it’s Nativity scene this year?
A: They couldn’t find the three wise men!
33. Q: What did Gandhi say to the British, after they asked him to move?
A: Nah, mastay.
34. Q. If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it
started to sink, who would be saved?
A. America!
–Jimmy Fallon
35. Twenty-six years after the Chernobyl disaster, and am I the only one that’s disappointed? Still no superheroes.
36. Q. What was Adolf Hilter’s favorite computer game?
A. Mein Kraft
37. Q: What do you get when you cross the president of the United States of America and a chicken?
A: Baggawk Obama!
38. Q: How can you spot Al Gore in a bunch of Secret Service agents?
A: He’s the stiff one.
39. Two politician are having lunch together, all of a sudden one stood up and shouted, “Your lying.”
The other replied, “I know but just hear me out.”
40. A politician will find an excuse to get out of anything except office.
41. Q. What’s the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A. Bo has papers.
–Jimmy Kimmel
42. Q. Why is President Clinton the greatest president of all time?
A. Because he was always HARD at work.
43. Q: Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning?
A: She wants to be the first lady.
44. Q: What’s the difference between Al Gore and Socialism?
A: He uses the phrase Social Entitlements instead.
45. Yo mama’s so fat that even Barack Obama couldn’t afford to take her out to dinner.
46. What did Clinton say when asked if he had used protection? “Sure, there was a guard standing right outside the door.”
47. A priest, a politician, and a clown, walk into the bar. The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”
48. Q. What was the most positive result of the “Cash for Clunkers” program?
A. It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.
–David Letterman
49. Q: Why do people always assume drug dealers are dangerous people who carry guns?
A: Fedex drivers are perfectly respectable people and they deliver drugs all the time.
50. Q: Why did President Obama get two terms?
A: Because every black man gets a longer sentence.
