1. Do not be racist; be like Mario. He’s an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!
2. Q: What do you call a big fish who makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
A: The Codfather!
3. Q: Why did Blake Shelton break up with Miranda Lambert?
A: Because her lips didn’t taste like sangria!
4. Q: Why did Adele cross the road?
A: To sing, “Hello from the other side!”
5. Q: What is the Mexican version of One Direction?
A: Juan Direction.
6. Q: What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?
A: Santa stops after three hos.
7. Due to the flooding from the Seine River, The Louvre museum in Paris is scrambling to donate French Impressionist and Eastern European artwork to any museum that can keep them dry.
Museums that have agreed to take the artwork are very excited since they’re getting Monet for nothing and Czechs for free.
8. Did anyone hear about George Clooney’s new genealogical website?
It’s called, “Oh, Brother Where Art Thou.”
9. What Pokémon would you catch in Rio De Janeiro?
Zikachu.
10. Did anyone hear about that new reality show Justin Bieber’s got out now?
It’s called “Leave it to Bieber”!
11. Yo momma so stupid she thought Bruno Mars was a planet.
12. Q: What do you have if you’re 16.5 feet into the Twilight Zone?
A: One Rod Serling!
13. Yo momma’s so fat, the Hogwarts Sorting Hat put her in all 4 houses!
14. Yo mama so ugly the Terminator said, “I won’t be back.”
15. Yo mama so ugly, she gives Freddy Krueger nightmares!
16. Did you see the Russell Crowe movie about the cannibal who ate his mother-in-law?
What? You don’t remember that one?
It came out in 2000 and was titled Gladiator.
17. Q: Do you know who was the first black guy to admit he is the father?
A: Darth Vader.
18. Your momma is so ugly she made One Direction go another direction.
19. Q: How do you find Will Smith in a snow storm?
A: You follow the fresh prints.
20. Q: What computer sings the best?
A: A Dell.
21. Q: Where do the Burger King and Dairy Queen live?
A: At the White Castle.
22. It doesn’t matter what color the cup is, just DO NOT give it to the “two girls”
23. The energizer bunny was arrested on a charge of battery.
24. Q: What did Elvis say after he was bitten my a vampire?
A: Fang you, Fang you very much!
25. When you combine “Red Dawn” with “Blue Velvet,” do you get “Purple Rain”?
26. I had a broken vacuum, then I put a One Direction sticker on it and it suddenly sucked again.
27. Q: Why did the zombie want to eat Meghan Trainor
A: Because every inch of her was perfect from the bottom to the top.
28. The chicken wanted to go out on a Saturday night but could not find a sitter.
What do they do with the kids?
They decided to CARTON them around.
29. Did you hear about Monica Lewinsky becoming a Republican? The Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.
30. 20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs.
31. Yo mamma is so old she knew Burger King when he was a prince.
32. Yo mama’s so stupid she thought Shirley Temple was a church!
33. Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: Look for the fresh prints.
34. Q: Why shouldn’t you let Elsa hold your balloon?
A: Because she will let it go, let it gooooooooo
35. Q: How does Albus get into Hogwarts?
A: Through the Dumble-door.
36. Q: What’s a hammerhead shark’s favorite song?
A: U Can’t Touch This
37. Q: Why did Captain Kirk go in to the ladies room?
A: Because he wanted to go where no man had gone before.
38. Q: Is it safe to swim in the ocean this week?
A: Sure, the sharks are all busy filming with Discovery.
39. Q: Why is Peter Pan always flying?
A: Because he neverlands.
40. Q: What do you call a man with his right hand in a shark’s mouth?
A: Lefty.
41. I don’t really like watching basketball, I just watch it to find out who the next member of the Kardashian family will be.
42. Little boy to mother: “Mommy, can I go swimming?”
Mother: “Certainly not. The sea’s too rough, there’s a terrible rip tide and a dangerous offshore current, and I’ve heard this coast is infested with jellyfish and sharks.”
Little boy: “But Daddy went swimming!”
Mother: “I know, but he has excellent life insurance.”
43. Yo momma is so ugly, that your daddy stays home just so he don’t have to kiss her goodbye!
44. Q: What do you call the space between Kim Kardashian’s breasts and butt cheeks?
A: Silicon Valley.
45. Five kids just trick or treated at my door in the scariest most lifelike costumes I’ve ever seen. My heart is still pounding and I’m soaked in sweat. I just know I’ll be having nightmares about this for years.
For a second I thought it was the real One Direction at my door.
46. Everyone has photographic memory!
Difference is some do not have any film.
47. Q: What do you call an deep sea Transformer?
A: Octopus Prime!
48. Q: What did Miley Cyrus eat on Thanksgiving?
A: TWERKY
49. Last night I dreamt I was a muffler…
I woke up exhausted!
50. Q: Why do blonde girls walk in groups of odd numbers?
A: Because they can’t even!
51. Q: How is a computer like Britney Spears?
A They’re both cheap, white, and plastic.
52. Yo Momma is so ugly, she made the Illuminati close it’s eyes!
53. The NSA: a government organization that actually listens to you!
54. Q: Why did the shark cross the road?
A: To get to the other tide.
55. Q: Why shouldn’t you give Elsa a balloon?
A: Because she’ll let it go!